is "christian" a name worth wearing anymore?
or have we gotten it dirty and torn?
Christ has washed me clean, but can he clean this name?
Maybe that's up to us.
Monday, March 26, 2007
My Bed Looks So Good From Here
has anyone here done anything that makes them worth while?
we're just talking underwater, and the ocean swallows every word
as it leaves our lips, silencing us forever. and if we can't talk,
are we anything at all?
we're all just reaching out for something. what's strange is that for me, i stop wanting it once i get it. I like the chase. I like trying to earn something impossible, but it's always a let down once it's mine. but we're all reaching out, and we all want to be recognized in a crowd. we want to be important. we want to be loved. we don't care why or how or by whom. none of that matters. sometimes i think it's amazing the way we each pretend that we aren't totally selfish in everything we do. when was the last time we did something for anyone without some selfish motivation? when was the last time we loved someone for who they are, instead of for the love they give us in return? my question is: is that kind of love really love at all? or is it just using someone for their heart. i just want something to make me believe again; make me believe in everything that motivated me to be someone worthy of the life i've been given. i want to hear those sounds that give me chills down to my core. i want to see and taste and feel something deserving of and destined for greatness.
because that's the only way i can get it back. my hands have been idle for far too long. and every night i go to bed and wake up later, and older, and closer to the end... and i just don't care. and i need to get it back.
we're just talking underwater, and the ocean swallows every word
as it leaves our lips, silencing us forever. and if we can't talk,
are we anything at all?
we're all just reaching out for something. what's strange is that for me, i stop wanting it once i get it. I like the chase. I like trying to earn something impossible, but it's always a let down once it's mine. but we're all reaching out, and we all want to be recognized in a crowd. we want to be important. we want to be loved. we don't care why or how or by whom. none of that matters. sometimes i think it's amazing the way we each pretend that we aren't totally selfish in everything we do. when was the last time we did something for anyone without some selfish motivation? when was the last time we loved someone for who they are, instead of for the love they give us in return? my question is: is that kind of love really love at all? or is it just using someone for their heart. i just want something to make me believe again; make me believe in everything that motivated me to be someone worthy of the life i've been given. i want to hear those sounds that give me chills down to my core. i want to see and taste and feel something deserving of and destined for greatness.
because that's the only way i can get it back. my hands have been idle for far too long. and every night i go to bed and wake up later, and older, and closer to the end... and i just don't care. and i need to get it back.
thoughts on "Pay It Forward"
come up with an idea to change your world.
and put it into action!
there's obviously something profound about the movie, but while i definitely agree with the pay it forward concept, i was also thinking about the assignment in and of itself.
trevor, on three or four occasions, struggles with the question, "is the world just shit?"
in the end, we find that the answer is no. the world isn't shit, it's beautiful because of all the beautiful people in it. regardless of our imperfections, regardless of all the the terrible things we do to hurt each other, we make this life what it is; we make it worth living for.
in light of that, take not just the assignment of "paying it forward" into consideration in your own life (if you haven't seen the movie, then you don't know exactly what i'm talking about, so if you care, go rent it), but also, come up with your own unique way to change the world. share it with others, so they can emulate it, and then put it into action. this is the basic duty of christians, and this is the basic duty of mankind. we have minds. even in using the smallest percentage of our brains, we are capable of unimaginable things.
a friend of mine told me that, when he used to have more money, he'd sometimes get out an extra twenty from the atm, and when he got fast food, he'd tell the clerk that he wanted to pay for the person behind him too. I think that's pretty cool. there's no way that person can thank you, or even know who you are; you aren't doing it for any selfish reason, it's just a nice thing to do.
also, never underestimate the power of friendship. alot of times, christians especially, we assume we have to do something tangible. people don't always want money, or some trinket. nobody ever decides they don't want friends.
i don't know. my random thoughts after our bible study tonight.
and put it into action!
there's obviously something profound about the movie, but while i definitely agree with the pay it forward concept, i was also thinking about the assignment in and of itself.
trevor, on three or four occasions, struggles with the question, "is the world just shit?"
in the end, we find that the answer is no. the world isn't shit, it's beautiful because of all the beautiful people in it. regardless of our imperfections, regardless of all the the terrible things we do to hurt each other, we make this life what it is; we make it worth living for.
in light of that, take not just the assignment of "paying it forward" into consideration in your own life (if you haven't seen the movie, then you don't know exactly what i'm talking about, so if you care, go rent it), but also, come up with your own unique way to change the world. share it with others, so they can emulate it, and then put it into action. this is the basic duty of christians, and this is the basic duty of mankind. we have minds. even in using the smallest percentage of our brains, we are capable of unimaginable things.
a friend of mine told me that, when he used to have more money, he'd sometimes get out an extra twenty from the atm, and when he got fast food, he'd tell the clerk that he wanted to pay for the person behind him too. I think that's pretty cool. there's no way that person can thank you, or even know who you are; you aren't doing it for any selfish reason, it's just a nice thing to do.
also, never underestimate the power of friendship. alot of times, christians especially, we assume we have to do something tangible. people don't always want money, or some trinket. nobody ever decides they don't want friends.
i don't know. my random thoughts after our bible study tonight.
would you rather...
...have poop foot or sausage fingers?
...be superman (able to fly) or aquaman (have gills)?
...be a member of the opposite sex or an insect of your choice?
...run across a bridge of crocodiles, or headbutt a bee hive?
...recieve a paper cut on your anus, or your front whatever?
...have your ankle hit with a sledgehammer by someone you didn't know, or hit your best friend's ankle with a sledgehammer?
...have perfect pitch or perfect rhythm?
...be a fruit or a vegetable?
...eat your own crap or someone else's?
...vomit or squirt milk out of your nose?
...live in a fart box or a B.O. sphere?
...be convicted of a murder you didn't do or murder and get away with it?
...play patty cake with a bear or tea-time with a hippo?
...lose an eye or both hands?
...have scales instead of skin, or feathers?
...consume rotten milk or molded bread?
...consume bleach or get hit in the head with a brick three times?
...get shot in the face with a bee bee gun point blank, or shot in the foot by a real gun from far away?
...have no lips or no eye lids?
...be superman (able to fly) or aquaman (have gills)?
...be a member of the opposite sex or an insect of your choice?
...run across a bridge of crocodiles, or headbutt a bee hive?
...recieve a paper cut on your anus, or your front whatever?
...have your ankle hit with a sledgehammer by someone you didn't know, or hit your best friend's ankle with a sledgehammer?
...have perfect pitch or perfect rhythm?
...be a fruit or a vegetable?
...eat your own crap or someone else's?
...vomit or squirt milk out of your nose?
...live in a fart box or a B.O. sphere?
...be convicted of a murder you didn't do or murder and get away with it?
...play patty cake with a bear or tea-time with a hippo?
...lose an eye or both hands?
...have scales instead of skin, or feathers?
...consume rotten milk or molded bread?
...consume bleach or get hit in the head with a brick three times?
...get shot in the face with a bee bee gun point blank, or shot in the foot by a real gun from far away?
...have no lips or no eye lids?
Lyrics I really like...
All your tears are not going to wash this one away.
-Misery Signals "Murder"
what new mystery is this?
what blessed backwardness??
the Immeasurable One is held and does not resist!
struck by wicked words and foolish fists of senseless men
the Almighty One does not defend!
-mewithoutYou "A Glass Can Only Spill What It Contains"
Preacher lost his son
It's known by all in town
He found him with another son of God
Feeding on that prayer
Never mind what God said
But love had lost its cause
And I thought today had been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
-Emilliana Torrini "Today Has Been Okay"
I kiss the mud and the leaves and the trees embrace me
with the mountains lying down at the sea I would sleep
Don't be afraid.
-Codeseven "All The Best Dreams"
I have called you children, I have called you son.
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light.
Still I must obey, still I must invite.
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do,
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.
-Sufjan Stevens "For The Widows In Paradise; For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti"
What more do you want from me?
Some sort of apology?
Well I can promise you that
forgiveness is the most you'll get.
-Coalesce "You Can't Kill Us All"
We will fight for you
And show you we care for everything
That matters to you
Promises held
Must have been lost or forgiven
Or buried under the broken glass
Beneath your window of opportunity
We will be the first to die
And we will be the first to win
Your walls will fall down
We'll tear down your walls
-Beloved "Insult to Injury"
Iron out the wrinkles of your soul
and darn out the holes in your head
I carry my love for you in a thimble
and I sew back the seams of my love
in your heart with a rusty needle and thread
I should have been gone long ago
'cause you're done
now I look in your eyes
like I stare at the sun
I think it's gonna give me a heart attack
you're acting like a broken record
skipping every track
-Codeseven "Roped And Tied"
When I am dead
Lay me in a mound.
Raise a stone for all to see.
Runes come to my memory.
-Amon Amarth "Runes To My Memory"
Love is destructive
For the ego
And your voice is the only thing
That speaks rebelliously in this world of claiming your own
There is no peace outside if there's nothing within
Love is addictive
For the spirit
And your voice whispers with a roar
That fire rises up, refills
Place the right king on the throne
-Blindside "About A Burning Fire"
I hope you know I tried to find those pictures Jordo
Of us that night in Detroit with The Preshure Point
And I now feel the need to fly
And I now feel the need to hide inside your loving arms
Man i swear I'd give the whole things up for you
-Misery Signals "The Year Summer Ended In June"
There's a light up ahead.
-Further Seems Forever "Light Up Ahead"
These are my friends. This is who they have been for always.
These are my days. This is how they stay.
This is who they remain forever. This is how we stay.
-Say Anything "Yellow Cat/Red Cat"
This could be the end.
There is nothing left.
Drown all hope to mend human intellect.
Believe nothing will come from you.
Believe the good of man is through.
This era will fade.
We become the voice with nothing to say.
And we had no choice.
-Scarlet "Obsolete"
i dunno.
chew on it.
-Misery Signals "Murder"
what new mystery is this?
what blessed backwardness??
the Immeasurable One is held and does not resist!
struck by wicked words and foolish fists of senseless men
the Almighty One does not defend!
-mewithoutYou "A Glass Can Only Spill What It Contains"
Preacher lost his son
It's known by all in town
He found him with another son of God
Feeding on that prayer
Never mind what God said
But love had lost its cause
And I thought today had been ok
Today has been ok
Today has been ok
-Emilliana Torrini "Today Has Been Okay"
I kiss the mud and the leaves and the trees embrace me
with the mountains lying down at the sea I would sleep
Don't be afraid.
-Codeseven "All The Best Dreams"
I have called you children, I have called you son.
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light.
Still I must obey, still I must invite.
If there's anything to say, if there's anything to do,
If there's any other way, I'll do anything for you.
-Sufjan Stevens "For The Widows In Paradise; For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti"
What more do you want from me?
Some sort of apology?
Well I can promise you that
forgiveness is the most you'll get.
-Coalesce "You Can't Kill Us All"
We will fight for you
And show you we care for everything
That matters to you
Promises held
Must have been lost or forgiven
Or buried under the broken glass
Beneath your window of opportunity
We will be the first to die
And we will be the first to win
Your walls will fall down
We'll tear down your walls
-Beloved "Insult to Injury"
Iron out the wrinkles of your soul
and darn out the holes in your head
I carry my love for you in a thimble
and I sew back the seams of my love
in your heart with a rusty needle and thread
I should have been gone long ago
'cause you're done
now I look in your eyes
like I stare at the sun
I think it's gonna give me a heart attack
you're acting like a broken record
skipping every track
-Codeseven "Roped And Tied"
When I am dead
Lay me in a mound.
Raise a stone for all to see.
Runes come to my memory.
-Amon Amarth "Runes To My Memory"
Love is destructive
For the ego
And your voice is the only thing
That speaks rebelliously in this world of claiming your own
There is no peace outside if there's nothing within
Love is addictive
For the spirit
And your voice whispers with a roar
That fire rises up, refills
Place the right king on the throne
-Blindside "About A Burning Fire"
I hope you know I tried to find those pictures Jordo
Of us that night in Detroit with The Preshure Point
And I now feel the need to fly
And I now feel the need to hide inside your loving arms
Man i swear I'd give the whole things up for you
-Misery Signals "The Year Summer Ended In June"
There's a light up ahead.
-Further Seems Forever "Light Up Ahead"
These are my friends. This is who they have been for always.
These are my days. This is how they stay.
This is who they remain forever. This is how we stay.
-Say Anything "Yellow Cat/Red Cat"
This could be the end.
There is nothing left.
Drown all hope to mend human intellect.
Believe nothing will come from you.
Believe the good of man is through.
This era will fade.
We become the voice with nothing to say.
And we had no choice.
-Scarlet "Obsolete"
i dunno.
chew on it.
Something to think about...
we have got to learn to take care of each other.
porn stars
drug addicts
sex addicts
eating disorders
porn addicts
people who cut themselves
people who hate other people
people who hate themselves
alcoholics
rapists
cleptomaniacs
pedophiles
murderers
do you know how much love it would take
to fight all the hate that we project on these people?
when in reality, we're all just the same,
and if you're not one of these, then you're just
something else.
porn stars
drug addicts
sex addicts
eating disorders
porn addicts
people who cut themselves
people who hate other people
people who hate themselves
alcoholics
rapists
cleptomaniacs
pedophiles
murderers
do you know how much love it would take
to fight all the hate that we project on these people?
when in reality, we're all just the same,
and if you're not one of these, then you're just
something else.
A Song For A Friend
we were misunderstood.
we caught a path to the ocean floor
and took it, running like the wind.
and they all wondered like fools
with golden calfs on the safest shore,
and we were misunderstood.
your face was high up in the clouds,
and you tried so hard to prove
that there was something left of me.
and in the quiet i knew
a secret plain to me as day,
maybe i misunderstood.
i don't believe in fate
but i believe in God
and sure as hell believe in you.
and from a prison so deep,
"you can be anything that you wanted."
but something happened that year
that made the seasons change
and summer faded into fall.
and with that chilly orange breeze
we changed our songs and fell away
like raindrops caught up in the Flood.
we caught a path to the ocean floor
and took it, running like the wind.
and they all wondered like fools
with golden calfs on the safest shore,
and we were misunderstood.
your face was high up in the clouds,
and you tried so hard to prove
that there was something left of me.
and in the quiet i knew
a secret plain to me as day,
maybe i misunderstood.
i don't believe in fate
but i believe in God
and sure as hell believe in you.
and from a prison so deep,
"you can be anything that you wanted."
but something happened that year
that made the seasons change
and summer faded into fall.
and with that chilly orange breeze
we changed our songs and fell away
like raindrops caught up in the Flood.
The Tiger Cage
We saw the tiger in the zoo today.
It was very big and very orange.
And it's teeth were very sharp.
But I was not afraid.
Because it had no life anymore,
and there were big steel bars
between me and it.
And I was all wrapped up in skin,
So nothing could hurt me.
And nothing could get in.
I also saw the giraffe today.
And it's fur was yellow and it's neck was very long.
And it was very tall.
But I was not afraid.
Because it had no life anymore,
and there were big steel bars
between me and it.
And I was all wrapped up in skin,
So nothing could hurt me.
And nothing could get in.
And then I wondered how many scary things we put in cages,
just so we can forget to fear them.
Because later that day, I saw God.
And he was very big and very very white.
He was glowing, and his hands were very old.
But I was not afraid.
Because he had no life anymore.
And there were these big steel bars
between me and him.
Besides, I was all wrapped up in skin,
So he can't hurt me.
And he can't get in.
I wonder how many scary things we put in cages,
just so we can forget to fear them.
And I wonder why we use our skin,
to keep things out, instead of letting them in.
It was very big and very orange.
And it's teeth were very sharp.
But I was not afraid.
Because it had no life anymore,
and there were big steel bars
between me and it.
And I was all wrapped up in skin,
So nothing could hurt me.
And nothing could get in.
I also saw the giraffe today.
And it's fur was yellow and it's neck was very long.
And it was very tall.
But I was not afraid.
Because it had no life anymore,
and there were big steel bars
between me and it.
And I was all wrapped up in skin,
So nothing could hurt me.
And nothing could get in.
And then I wondered how many scary things we put in cages,
just so we can forget to fear them.
Because later that day, I saw God.
And he was very big and very very white.
He was glowing, and his hands were very old.
But I was not afraid.
Because he had no life anymore.
And there were these big steel bars
between me and him.
Besides, I was all wrapped up in skin,
So he can't hurt me.
And he can't get in.
I wonder how many scary things we put in cages,
just so we can forget to fear them.
And I wonder why we use our skin,
to keep things out, instead of letting them in.
Random thoughts.
What is it that makes us sit here, overwhelmed by nothing and unable to move or accomplish anything? I don't understand it, and I don't understand why it afflicts everyone (at least that I've ever met) to some degree at some point. Sometimes, we call it boredom, sometimes it's something else, but regardless, everything becomes heavy; every task becomes a chore, even just to breathe, but at the same time, we find ourselves easily disatisfied with our current circumstances, longing for excitement (to "do something"). It's one of the many aspects of humanity, that is, at least on the surface, completely paradoxical.
Anyway, it's in this state that I sit now. It's only 2:45 AM, which is early by my current standards, but the only things I am capable of doing are listening to songs that I refuse to try and fix, and watching adult swim, even though the current episode of Futurama is a rerun. And obviously, type. Because that's what I'm currently doing.
I've found I'm excellent at Candyland, as some of you know. Today, I played a champion; a bonified "child." It was a grueling 5 game match, and I won 4. And I was pretty stoked on that. My opponent had stolen my dignity on several different occasions, and this was my first successful attempt at earning it back. I am now reigning Candyland champ in the Rudzik house, and I have the belt to prove it (which I made). It was amazing. At one point, my opponent became so flustered, she even started cheating (or maybe just made a mistake, but regardless), which of course, I was immediately privy to, and had her penalized. Bottomline, if you like Candyland, stay away from me. I will ruin your day real fast.
So my foot, post-laceration (see earlier blog), is pretty sweet looking, because I have this huge flap of skin on my big toe, that I guess is just dead. It just hangs off, and underneath is some good meaty Toe-flesh. And, by the way, I have discovered some kind of strange, new-fangled version of the Band-Aid, provided by none other than the almighty 3M (makers of several products I hold near and dear to my heart). Yes, this strange contraption looks nothing like a bandaid, and yet, adheres strictly to my Toe-flesh, is completely waterproof, and above all, it looks SPACEAGE. Which, I mean, that is the most important quality right? According to our generation, if it's small, shiny, or SPACEAGE, then we buy it. We're kind of like cavemen. Oh, and I forgot expensive. We'll by expensive stuff too, just because.
Next topic.
Still thinking...
Oh, right... I went to the dentist this week. My, my, that was a blast. Actually, it really doesn't bother me. Okay, well, that's not entirely true. What the hell is that polish whatever they electric-sweep against your teeth? Every time, I ask for the non-flavored kind, because I'd rather not throw up on my shiny, clean teeth 10 minutes after leaving the dentists office, but every time it tastes like some evil version of the mint flavor that we all love. And IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. I literally long for vomit to erupt from one or more holes in my face. That polish is responsible for my sick stomach at least twice a year, and it totally ruined my otherwise delicious Chinese food this time. And, hey, I value my Chinese food. You do not mess with my Chinese food.
This has been a complete waste of time.
But hey, that was the goal right.
PC OT
Anyway, it's in this state that I sit now. It's only 2:45 AM, which is early by my current standards, but the only things I am capable of doing are listening to songs that I refuse to try and fix, and watching adult swim, even though the current episode of Futurama is a rerun. And obviously, type. Because that's what I'm currently doing.
I've found I'm excellent at Candyland, as some of you know. Today, I played a champion; a bonified "child." It was a grueling 5 game match, and I won 4. And I was pretty stoked on that. My opponent had stolen my dignity on several different occasions, and this was my first successful attempt at earning it back. I am now reigning Candyland champ in the Rudzik house, and I have the belt to prove it (which I made). It was amazing. At one point, my opponent became so flustered, she even started cheating (or maybe just made a mistake, but regardless), which of course, I was immediately privy to, and had her penalized. Bottomline, if you like Candyland, stay away from me. I will ruin your day real fast.
So my foot, post-laceration (see earlier blog), is pretty sweet looking, because I have this huge flap of skin on my big toe, that I guess is just dead. It just hangs off, and underneath is some good meaty Toe-flesh. And, by the way, I have discovered some kind of strange, new-fangled version of the Band-Aid, provided by none other than the almighty 3M (makers of several products I hold near and dear to my heart). Yes, this strange contraption looks nothing like a bandaid, and yet, adheres strictly to my Toe-flesh, is completely waterproof, and above all, it looks SPACEAGE. Which, I mean, that is the most important quality right? According to our generation, if it's small, shiny, or SPACEAGE, then we buy it. We're kind of like cavemen. Oh, and I forgot expensive. We'll by expensive stuff too, just because.
Next topic.
Still thinking...
Oh, right... I went to the dentist this week. My, my, that was a blast. Actually, it really doesn't bother me. Okay, well, that's not entirely true. What the hell is that polish whatever they electric-sweep against your teeth? Every time, I ask for the non-flavored kind, because I'd rather not throw up on my shiny, clean teeth 10 minutes after leaving the dentists office, but every time it tastes like some evil version of the mint flavor that we all love. And IT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. I literally long for vomit to erupt from one or more holes in my face. That polish is responsible for my sick stomach at least twice a year, and it totally ruined my otherwise delicious Chinese food this time. And, hey, I value my Chinese food. You do not mess with my Chinese food.
This has been a complete waste of time.
But hey, that was the goal right.
PC OT
It's late, and I still hate you.
i've seen your face way too many times lately.
And from the safety of my room,
I am vengeance; I am justice;
I am the cold that lives under your skin,
and finds you at night and in your darkest moments,
reminding you of the pain that you've caused,
and your own cowardice.
You make me hate myself for being made of the same stuff as you.
Because you take pride in you're ability to sleaze.
To cheat and lie.
I'm not really a violent person,
But in my dreams, i kill each and every one of you.
over and over and over again.
and it makes me smile.
Heartbreaker.
Homewrecker.
Pull your head out.
And from the safety of my room,
I am vengeance; I am justice;
I am the cold that lives under your skin,
and finds you at night and in your darkest moments,
reminding you of the pain that you've caused,
and your own cowardice.
You make me hate myself for being made of the same stuff as you.
Because you take pride in you're ability to sleaze.
To cheat and lie.
I'm not really a violent person,
But in my dreams, i kill each and every one of you.
over and over and over again.
and it makes me smile.
Heartbreaker.
Homewrecker.
Pull your head out.
heroes/friends
It was summer in the Garden of Eden, for the seven of us.
You can't imagine what we had; can't just conjure it up.
But you could feel it, and see it from a distance;
And sometimes, I lay awake at night,
and smile at the fact there aren't words enough
to paint the feelings i have;
feelings that run deep in my blood,
and have carved streams with paths like canyons
running across and down my heart.
Do you remember those night drives?
The hours spent in conversation and in silence,
listening to our family drift to sleep.
Sometimes it was enough-
enough to make anything worth it.
I can't forget you. I won't forget you.
Because I believed you when you said,
"We could do this forever."
But in August we ate the fruit,
And in September our language diverged.
And in the wake of it all, I questioned everything.
And by the end, everything I believed in was gone.
Even you.
So I hid, and buried my face in my own potential,
feeding it water and sun, shaking with anticipation,
hoping that I could grow on my own.
I hid because that was the only thing I knew how to do.
I hid because when you laughed, it reminded me of God.
I hid because I believed you when you said,
"We could do this forever."
--------
Sometimes, people say to me, "I wish I could go back."
But you know what? I don't.
Because things come full circle.
And I'm looking back at everything I left behind last September,
and I think pretty soon, I'll be running- running back home.
Because ultimately, I believe in things that I can't see.
And I believe that we can do this forever;
in what capacity or on which path is not for me to choose.
And I look down the road, and see us in twenty years.
And I can hear your voice on the phone.
And I can hear you laugh.
And it reminds me of God.
You are my heroes.
You are my friends
You can't imagine what we had; can't just conjure it up.
But you could feel it, and see it from a distance;
And sometimes, I lay awake at night,
and smile at the fact there aren't words enough
to paint the feelings i have;
feelings that run deep in my blood,
and have carved streams with paths like canyons
running across and down my heart.
Do you remember those night drives?
The hours spent in conversation and in silence,
listening to our family drift to sleep.
Sometimes it was enough-
enough to make anything worth it.
I can't forget you. I won't forget you.
Because I believed you when you said,
"We could do this forever."
But in August we ate the fruit,
And in September our language diverged.
And in the wake of it all, I questioned everything.
And by the end, everything I believed in was gone.
Even you.
So I hid, and buried my face in my own potential,
feeding it water and sun, shaking with anticipation,
hoping that I could grow on my own.
I hid because that was the only thing I knew how to do.
I hid because when you laughed, it reminded me of God.
I hid because I believed you when you said,
"We could do this forever."
--------
Sometimes, people say to me, "I wish I could go back."
But you know what? I don't.
Because things come full circle.
And I'm looking back at everything I left behind last September,
and I think pretty soon, I'll be running- running back home.
Because ultimately, I believe in things that I can't see.
And I believe that we can do this forever;
in what capacity or on which path is not for me to choose.
And I look down the road, and see us in twenty years.
And I can hear your voice on the phone.
And I can hear you laugh.
And it reminds me of God.
You are my heroes.
You are my friends
Of Brokenness and Regret (And Everything Worth Living For)
**These were the final lyrics.
This was just one more thing
that shattered everything
I believed in.
Do you remember me and all?
I stare at my own grave and scream
"Wake up, son of God"
You're the affliction that has poisoned me.
I've lost my sense of touch with everything
that I lost in you.
And I hate you for this,
because I'd rather be dead
than alone.
Drained of faith I ask not life,
but strength to ride the wave.
And as I looked across the room,
it was like staring at the ocean,
in all its mystery.
And I would give my life,
to know what went through your head,
in that moment.
(But you just walked away)
And the color fades from everything now.
:)
This was just one more thing
that shattered everything
I believed in.
Do you remember me and all?
I stare at my own grave and scream
"Wake up, son of God"
You're the affliction that has poisoned me.
I've lost my sense of touch with everything
that I lost in you.
And I hate you for this,
because I'd rather be dead
than alone.
Drained of faith I ask not life,
but strength to ride the wave.
And as I looked across the room,
it was like staring at the ocean,
in all its mystery.
And I would give my life,
to know what went through your head,
in that moment.
(But you just walked away)
And the color fades from everything now.
:)
Just One More Thing...
(These were what spawned the lyrics of a song I wrote later
called "Of Brokenness and Regret: And Everything Worth Living For")
that was just one more thing
that took everything i believed in
and burned it all away.
and as i watched you from across the room,
i felt like i was staring at the deepest part of the ocean.
and i know that the secret of life that we share,
will be ours and ours alone for eternity.
a painful mystery that it is my burden to have solved.
but that night, on the couch,
when noone else was paying any attention,
something died in me in that moment.
something in between my arms and yours,
and something else was born.
called "Of Brokenness and Regret: And Everything Worth Living For")
that was just one more thing
that took everything i believed in
and burned it all away.
and as i watched you from across the room,
i felt like i was staring at the deepest part of the ocean.
and i know that the secret of life that we share,
will be ours and ours alone for eternity.
a painful mystery that it is my burden to have solved.
but that night, on the couch,
when noone else was paying any attention,
something died in me in that moment.
something in between my arms and yours,
and something else was born.
Just One More Thing...
(These were what spawned the lyrics of a song I wrote later
called "Of Brokenness and Regret: And Everything Worth Living For")
that was just one more thing
that took everything i believed in
and burned it all away.
and as i watched you from across the room,
i felt like i was staring at the deepest part of the ocean.
and i know that the secret of life that we share,
will be ours and ours alone for eternity.
a painful mystery that it is my burden to have solved.
but that night, on the couch,
when noone else was paying any attention,
something died in me in that moment.
something in between my arms and yours,
and something else was born.
called "Of Brokenness and Regret: And Everything Worth Living For")
that was just one more thing
that took everything i believed in
and burned it all away.
and as i watched you from across the room,
i felt like i was staring at the deepest part of the ocean.
and i know that the secret of life that we share,
will be ours and ours alone for eternity.
a painful mystery that it is my burden to have solved.
but that night, on the couch,
when noone else was paying any attention,
something died in me in that moment.
something in between my arms and yours,
and something else was born.
The Life Of Ian Story 1
OK, so background story.
I stayed up really late last night making music (until like 430 am)
and also, it would help that you know that my family has five dogs.
and at night we bring them in our garage, and three go in kennels,
and two just sleep out in the open with the cars and spiders and
what not.
OK, so this morning, at 11:00, my mom comes and get's me up with,
"Ian, i need you to come downstairs and hold the dogs while I pull
out of the garage." She's going to pick up Tess. I say, "Sure," and
head downstairs in just my athletic shorts (no shirt, no shoes, no socks)
because I'm just going to go back to bed once she's gone.
Out in the garage: Mom pulls out while I hold Seven and Cubby. Garage
door closes. I let go of the dogs and walk back inside. Well, I start to at least.
The door is locked (it's one of those ones where the handle itself locks). So,
immediately, a thousand thoughts, run through my head, and I start to open
the garage doors because I need to stop Mom before she leaves. But WAIT!
The dogs will get out. DAMMIT! So, then I bolt to the back garage door, and open
it, tripping on the way out and falling on my knees. Cubby runs out. DAMMIT
AGAIN! I shut the door to keep Seven in at least. I run barefoot on the concrete
(more like hobble) around to the front of the garage to get Mom, but it's too late...
She's already too far gone.
DAMMIT!
I run back to garage, calling for Cubby. He doesn't come. I walk up to the garage door
and turn the handle. It's locked too. DAMMIT! At this point, I'm laughing. I start looking
for Cubby, and notice blood on the ground. I look down and there is blood pouring out of
my right foot. There's a huge gash in my big toe. Evidently, when i tripped earlier, it was
because my foot got in a fight with the bottom of the door and lost. There is blood every
where.
DAMMIT!
I'm locked out of my own house with nothing on but athletic shorts in the middle of January with no cell phone, no car keyes, and the nearest house is at least half a mile that I'd have to walk on a foot that's cut open, bleeding, and may need stitches.
I seriously sat on the ground and just laughed. You know, like crazy person laughed.
So, i go to my car, which is fortunately unlocked. I find an old sweat shirt and tie it around my foot, and proceed to try every door on the house. All locked. I hobble back to the car.
Find a toothpic. Hobble back to the door. Try and pick the lock... it doesn't work.
I hobble back to the car. Find a hairpin. Hobble back to the door. Try to pick the lock. Doesn't work.
Ok, so at this point, it's sort of stopped being funny.
Then i catch Cubby, and put him in our fenced in pool area (which he dropped two very nice steaming loads in).
Then I just sit in my car, staring at the driveway.
FOR THREE HOURS.
Mom didn't get back until 2:15.
And I just slowly limped up to a bathtub
and washed my foot... which took forever,
because my entire body was numb...
and we all know how hot water feels when
you're freezing.
REALLY FREAKING HOT!!!
DAMMIT!!!!
anyway, i thought it was funny.
how was your morning?
I stayed up really late last night making music (until like 430 am)
and also, it would help that you know that my family has five dogs.
and at night we bring them in our garage, and three go in kennels,
and two just sleep out in the open with the cars and spiders and
what not.
OK, so this morning, at 11:00, my mom comes and get's me up with,
"Ian, i need you to come downstairs and hold the dogs while I pull
out of the garage." She's going to pick up Tess. I say, "Sure," and
head downstairs in just my athletic shorts (no shirt, no shoes, no socks)
because I'm just going to go back to bed once she's gone.
Out in the garage: Mom pulls out while I hold Seven and Cubby. Garage
door closes. I let go of the dogs and walk back inside. Well, I start to at least.
The door is locked (it's one of those ones where the handle itself locks). So,
immediately, a thousand thoughts, run through my head, and I start to open
the garage doors because I need to stop Mom before she leaves. But WAIT!
The dogs will get out. DAMMIT! So, then I bolt to the back garage door, and open
it, tripping on the way out and falling on my knees. Cubby runs out. DAMMIT
AGAIN! I shut the door to keep Seven in at least. I run barefoot on the concrete
(more like hobble) around to the front of the garage to get Mom, but it's too late...
She's already too far gone.
DAMMIT!
I run back to garage, calling for Cubby. He doesn't come. I walk up to the garage door
and turn the handle. It's locked too. DAMMIT! At this point, I'm laughing. I start looking
for Cubby, and notice blood on the ground. I look down and there is blood pouring out of
my right foot. There's a huge gash in my big toe. Evidently, when i tripped earlier, it was
because my foot got in a fight with the bottom of the door and lost. There is blood every
where.
DAMMIT!
I'm locked out of my own house with nothing on but athletic shorts in the middle of January with no cell phone, no car keyes, and the nearest house is at least half a mile that I'd have to walk on a foot that's cut open, bleeding, and may need stitches.
I seriously sat on the ground and just laughed. You know, like crazy person laughed.
So, i go to my car, which is fortunately unlocked. I find an old sweat shirt and tie it around my foot, and proceed to try every door on the house. All locked. I hobble back to the car.
Find a toothpic. Hobble back to the door. Try and pick the lock... it doesn't work.
I hobble back to the car. Find a hairpin. Hobble back to the door. Try to pick the lock. Doesn't work.
Ok, so at this point, it's sort of stopped being funny.
Then i catch Cubby, and put him in our fenced in pool area (which he dropped two very nice steaming loads in).
Then I just sit in my car, staring at the driveway.
FOR THREE HOURS.
Mom didn't get back until 2:15.
And I just slowly limped up to a bathtub
and washed my foot... which took forever,
because my entire body was numb...
and we all know how hot water feels when
you're freezing.
REALLY FREAKING HOT!!!
DAMMIT!!!!
anyway, i thought it was funny.
how was your morning?
My sister said something, and it struck a chord.
you know what 2006 looks like to me?
a big question mark.
because i don't get it. and i just don't. i'm left bitter, and beaten, and spent. and wasted. and apathetic. and hateful. and jaded. and alone. and so many things... so so many things that i believed in are gone forever.
but...
i'm empowered. i'm free. i'm lost in a sea of beauty, where you just sit and forget the questions and admire life and it's sheer disregard for us. there is a clear plan that it follows, and i feel like we're just along for the ride. i'm left to realize my potential for the first time. i have oppurtunity. i have the promise of a new year. i have the promise of learning from my mistakes. i have a new out look on life.
i have a new road in front of me... and i'm tempted to just start running.
but i don't know.
i feel like in august, we all took a bite of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.
i feel like in september, we were the tower of babel.
and the rest... i don't know.
a big question mark.
because i don't get it. and i just don't. i'm left bitter, and beaten, and spent. and wasted. and apathetic. and hateful. and jaded. and alone. and so many things... so so many things that i believed in are gone forever.
but...
i'm empowered. i'm free. i'm lost in a sea of beauty, where you just sit and forget the questions and admire life and it's sheer disregard for us. there is a clear plan that it follows, and i feel like we're just along for the ride. i'm left to realize my potential for the first time. i have oppurtunity. i have the promise of a new year. i have the promise of learning from my mistakes. i have a new out look on life.
i have a new road in front of me... and i'm tempted to just start running.
but i don't know.
i feel like in august, we all took a bite of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.
i feel like in september, we were the tower of babel.
and the rest... i don't know.
Gentleman Homicide Tour Story
We played in Oklahoma City about 3 days ago, with Destroyer Destroyer and the Handshake Murders. Afterward, we went to the drummer of Dx2's house for awhile, but it was really sketchy and wild (most people were lit and drunk, and it was way too loud and all we wanted to do was sleep), so this guy (who shall remain nameless) offers to let us stay at his house.
It took us awhile to get to the place, but we got all of our sleep stuff out and what not and went in. The kid was real cool. He was twenty years old, and had a fifteen year old girl there too (also cool) that had been living there for a week or so. The house was really really nice; big screen tv, guitar hero, new drum set, lots of bathrooms, etc. We hung out for awhile, watched some family guy, took some showers, and went to bed.
While we were hanging out, Matt, our drummer, asked him where his dad was. This was the conversation:
"So, do you just live here alone?"
"No, this is my dad's place."
"Oh, where's he?"
"Nigeria."
"Oh, for how long?"
"Till February."
"Oh, wow, is he a minister?"
"Heh. No."
Well, that's kind of weird, but whatever. We all basically turned in, and for awhile we talked about how we thought that the dad might be doing some kind of drug running or whatever, just because the stuff was so nice, and we sort of joked about it. No big deal.
That night, I stayed in a room by myself. Three of the other guys stayed together, and then our singer, Josh, stayed on a couch in the living room. My room was probably the kid's room; just a twin size bed and a desk. There were probably 8 or 9 suit cases in there, all strewn around, full of clothes. I, being the weirdo I am, decided to go through everything. Nothing special, but it killed some time. So, then I took my contacts out, got in bed, and went to sleep.
The next day, we got up, got everything together, and took off. The dude we stayed with hung out for the next couple of dates, and then that was it.
All pretty uneventful.
So here's the scary part, all of which I found out about today.
Yesterday, police recieved a report that there was a dead body in the house that we stayed in. They surrounded the house, fired tear gas in, and did sweeps of the house. In the attic, they found the kid we stayed with, hiding in the corner, and the arrested him. In the garage, they found the body of his father in the trunk of the car. His body had been in the freezer for the past 10 days, and the night before had been moved to the trunk. He was murdered via blunt force trauma to the head.
In case you don't understand the implications, there was a dead man in the house the same time we were there. We slept under the same roof as a murderer. I slept in a room by myself. What if I had been going through things and wound up in the garage? What if Matt had pried to far and asked too many questions?
Anyway, God took care of us. We're reporting to the police tomorrow to let them know we were there, in case they find fingerprints or whatever. It's all still pretty shocking. Anyway, I'm sure you'll all get a kick out of that.
Have fun.
Ian
It took us awhile to get to the place, but we got all of our sleep stuff out and what not and went in. The kid was real cool. He was twenty years old, and had a fifteen year old girl there too (also cool) that had been living there for a week or so. The house was really really nice; big screen tv, guitar hero, new drum set, lots of bathrooms, etc. We hung out for awhile, watched some family guy, took some showers, and went to bed.
While we were hanging out, Matt, our drummer, asked him where his dad was. This was the conversation:
"So, do you just live here alone?"
"No, this is my dad's place."
"Oh, where's he?"
"Nigeria."
"Oh, for how long?"
"Till February."
"Oh, wow, is he a minister?"
"Heh. No."
Well, that's kind of weird, but whatever. We all basically turned in, and for awhile we talked about how we thought that the dad might be doing some kind of drug running or whatever, just because the stuff was so nice, and we sort of joked about it. No big deal.
That night, I stayed in a room by myself. Three of the other guys stayed together, and then our singer, Josh, stayed on a couch in the living room. My room was probably the kid's room; just a twin size bed and a desk. There were probably 8 or 9 suit cases in there, all strewn around, full of clothes. I, being the weirdo I am, decided to go through everything. Nothing special, but it killed some time. So, then I took my contacts out, got in bed, and went to sleep.
The next day, we got up, got everything together, and took off. The dude we stayed with hung out for the next couple of dates, and then that was it.
All pretty uneventful.
So here's the scary part, all of which I found out about today.
Yesterday, police recieved a report that there was a dead body in the house that we stayed in. They surrounded the house, fired tear gas in, and did sweeps of the house. In the attic, they found the kid we stayed with, hiding in the corner, and the arrested him. In the garage, they found the body of his father in the trunk of the car. His body had been in the freezer for the past 10 days, and the night before had been moved to the trunk. He was murdered via blunt force trauma to the head.
In case you don't understand the implications, there was a dead man in the house the same time we were there. We slept under the same roof as a murderer. I slept in a room by myself. What if I had been going through things and wound up in the garage? What if Matt had pried to far and asked too many questions?
Anyway, God took care of us. We're reporting to the police tomorrow to let them know we were there, in case they find fingerprints or whatever. It's all still pretty shocking. Anyway, I'm sure you'll all get a kick out of that.
Have fun.
Ian
What is this place and what name does it deserve?
what is it?
men shy away.
women shy away.
from the only things
worth living for.
we shy away.
men shy away.
women shy away.
from the only things
worth living for.
we shy away.
living is nothing less
So i made a little blog thing, mainly because Cameron inspired me. I want a place to say my thoughts and also, things that I think, and you know what's in my head, and my brain, and my mind, and you know stuff i have thoughts on and what not. And basically I don't really feel the need to say anything else about that.
Ian
Ian
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)